


Birthday Extravaganza

by shakethattree



Category: Breaking Bad, Sherlock (TV), Supernatural, Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Crack, Multi, please do not take this seriously i promise i usually write better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 20:59:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1442644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shakethattree/pseuds/shakethattree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A birthday fic for my beta.<br/>Fictional characters fight over a small British female. Who will emerge victorious?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Birthday Extravaganza

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iamthechickenqueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamthechickenqueen/gifts).



> Happy Birthday you fucking loser, you're welcome for making your fictional dreams come true. I hope reading this makes you realise that this is why I need an awesome beta like you and please don't get too mad at my occasionally terrible use of commas.  
> Anyone who is not Amber, please do not take this as a general representation of my writing, I'm 83% sure that I have written better sentences in other fics.

Somewhere in the dark wilderness of the United Kingdom, a remarkably short female creature awoke from her slumber. It was the tenth of April, or National Siblings Day in America. Of significantly less importance, it also happened to be the female’s birthday.

“Good morning, birthday girl.” The sultry voice came from the doorway.

The girl, who usually went by the name of Amber (and occasionally by Hansen Fleckles IV), looked up to find her newest acquisition, a rather dashing man who typically went by the name of Dean Winchester. He was dressed in nothing but a tight pink apron with a picture of pie on the front, a pair of black thigh high boots and a pair of highly provocative oven gloves. Just how she liked ‘em.

“;D,” she said enthusiastically. No one knew how she managed to say it out loud –scientists had pondered for months on end but it had become one of the greatest mysteries of the modern universe.

“What would you like for breakfast, my sweet little sugar muffin?” Dean purred, waving the oven gloves enticingly. To emphasise his allure, he turned around to wiggle his butt at her; it was now clear that he was also wearing a fetching green thong in addition to the apron, boots and gloves.

Before Amber could reply with a witty comment about that cute butt, there came a knock at the door. She slipped on a dressing gown before going to answer it, not wasting the opportunity to smack Dean’s arse on her way.

She opened the door and was instantly pushed aside by a rather energetic man in a long black coat carrying a magnifying glass.

“I have heard word of a new case in this very house,” the man cried as he charged past her, magnifying glass outstretched. He paused in the living room, looking around wildly, before charging off into the kitchen.

“Sorry about this,” another voice mumbled from the doorstep, “he’s unstoppable once he gets going. John Watson, nice to meet you.” The man stretched his hand out in greeting and Amber shook it slowly.

“Nice to meet you too,” she replied, stepping aside to allow John to enter.

“What’s going on–”

“Aha!”

Dean had come into the living room to investigate the disturbance but was stopped in his tracks by the curly-haired man, who had forcefully placed a hand on his chest.

“Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, this is my associate John Watson. We have received notice of a crime involving possession, sir. I need you to turn around so I can search your person.”

Dean complied and Sherlock intently scoured his posterior with the magnifying glass (not that he needed it because _damn son those muscles_ ), not hesitating to risk a prod (or stroke) here and there.

Straightening up, he said, “I conclude that you are indeed in possession… Of a killer arse, _congratulations_ my friend!” Sherlock held his hand up.

“You got it,” Dean replied, high-fiving the outstretched hand.

“Dean, who is this person touching your behind?”

Amber shrieked as a pair of blue eyes in a trench coat appeared in her living room.

“It’s okay Cas, he’s a detective.” Dean winked at Cas who just stared suspiciously at Sherlock.

Suddenly, Sherlock spun around to face Amber. “Oh John, would you look at this fine specimen. You are quite a creature, young lady, positively fascinating. I’ll have you know, my speciality is actually the science of… _Se_ duction,” he said, whispering the last word in her ear.

“Well,” Amber purred, “deduce me like one of your dead girls!”

Sherlock swept her up into his arms. “Will you 221B mine, baby?”

Before the short female could reply, she heard the sound of a vehicle pulling up outside her house. “That must be my birthday present,” she cried.

Sherlock walked outside the house, still carrying Amber, and the others followed behind. A door to a large beige RV was flung open and a small man with large trousers exited, arms stretched out towards Amber as he grinned. “Yo, Happy Birthday bitch!”

Jesse was another of her recent acquisitions and they were partners in many senses of the word. Leaping ungracefully out of Sherlock’s arms, she ran into Jesse’s.

“Girl, your eyes are bluer than Heisenberg’s crystal,” he murmured dreamily.

“My eyes are green,” Amber whispered.

“Oh,” he frowned, before kissing her passionately.

“Care to explain what you are doing with this man in the funny trousers, my dear?”

Amber broke away and turned around to find Dean and Sherlock standing a few feet away, arms crossed menacingly. John looked like he didn’t understand and Cas was staring intently at Dean’s ear.

“Boys, this is one of my men, Jesse Pinkman. We cook meth together with my mad chemistry skills. Jesse, this is Dean, who hunts monsters; and Sherlock, who hunts for the booty.”

“I will not stand to share you,” Sherlock cried, charging at Jesse.

“Woah, man, I’m just tryin’ to have a bit of fun… Wh – hey!”

Sherlock had pulled out his magnifying glass and was animatedly hitting Jesse on the head with it. Dean also joined the fight, pulling out some salt from his thong and throwing it in the two other men’s eyes.

“I will help you, Dean,” Cas exclaimed, running into the mass with his fingers outstretched, a strange light emanating from them.

“I’m going home,” John mumbled in Amber’s ear grumpily.

“Stop!” Amber yelled. The four men complied. “Stop fighting! There is only one solution to this situation.” They exchanged confused glances. “Isn’t it obvious? It is absolutely necessary that we have an orgy.”

The men froze, contemplating her proposition.

Dean didn’t have to consider it long before he shrugged. “I’m in.”

Cas instantly followed. “Me too,” he shouted, glancing sheepishly at Dean.

“Only if I get a piece of this as well,” Sherlock confirmed, pinching Dean’s arse again.

Jesse glanced between the other men and Amber before sighing heavily. “Fine. As long as I’m high.”

“;D,” was Amber’s reply. Again, how she was able to say this was one of the greatest mysteries –

A deadly silence fell over the street. The sun’s light disappeared and a chill settled deep within the soul of everyone present.

“No,” Amber whispered, horrified. “It can’t be…”

Children began to scream. Adults began to plead. Some tried to run, but their efforts were futile.

For the Spaddlemonkey had arrived.

No one truly knew what the Spaddlemonkey was, only that it brought unthinkable pain and destruction in its wake, evoking terror even in the hearts of the brave.

The Spaddlemonkey was the greatest mystery of the modern universe.

*****

Somewhere in the dark wilderness of the United Kingdom, a remarkably short female creature actually awoke from her slumber. _Thank fuck it was all a dream_ , Amber thought.

“Good morning, birthday girl.” The sultry voice came from beside her in the bed and this time it belonged to a personified fringe that went by the name of Dan Howell.

“;D!”

**Author's Note:**

> I can't take credit for coming up with some of those pickup lines myself, so here's where I got some assistance:  
> [sherlockchatuplines.tumblr.com](http://www.sherlockchatuplines.tumblr.com/)  
> Go check out Amber's fics [here](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/iamthechickenqueen) because they're hilarious.  
> My tumblr is [here](http://www.shakethattree.tumblr.com).  
> Thank you and goodnight.


End file.
